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Posts Tagged ‘young adults’

I am pleased to announce that we now have this blog on audio! So you can listen to it even if you do not have time to read the entire blog! Enjoy! xox Kimberly 2/7/10.

Part II- Audio Blog

Part III-Audio Blog

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A perfect song for today’s topic. Love it!

Greetings and salutations one and all. It was not the weekend I had hoped it would be, I was ill for most of it, and missed the pow wow unfortunately. So I did some research for my up and coming show with Elizabeth Rose on OUR WORLDS on ZTalk radio. We are going to be discussing relationships. In preparing for this show, I really had forgotten how much there is to talk about this particular subject.

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What is co-dependency? What is enabling? How do we become co – dependent?

These are some of the initial questions people have when you begin to discuss this topic. Much as other issues, in some circles this term is over used and so people have forgotten that it’s a serious issue in this country especially! MOST people have been involved in some form of dysfunctional relationship at some point in their lifetime. This is a condition which affects 75% of the people who end up in unhealthy relationships. It starts off all wonderful, (the honeymoon period), and then turns into something very different then a loving relationship.

I think one of the best explanations of this issue is explained in Mental Health America’s explanation of it. They outline they symptoms and affects in our lives.

They define it as , “Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.”

They go onto to say, “Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited.”

“Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.”

This is the crux of the situation, as the Mental Health America see it, you can spot co dependency in these characteristics:

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine – and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.  They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.  The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.”

There is so much more information out there on this topic! I would encourage everyone to read this article! Very informative and I am sure you will see someone you know in this description or possibly yourself.

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My input is this:

Why is loving self first so very important. – Religion teaches us the wrong thing, to love others before ourselves. The Truth is that if you love Creator/God/Goddess/Allah, you MUST love yourself first because IT resides within us! To deny ourselves is to deny Spirit! The greatest blasphemy of all, the one adam and eve committed, they walked away from God by doubting themselves and feeling shame. We are doing the same by not honoring and loving ourselves and the spirit within us in our hearts. So it is not SELFISH to love ourselves, it’s SELF Centered, meaning centered within ourselves. Not that we are the only one in our own universe exclusive from all else in existence type of Self Centered.

How do we get to this point? – Again how we are raised contributes a lot to how we are programmed. I use the word programmed because that is what it is. We are living bio computers, who are programmed and as such we have the ability to CHANGE that program within ourselves.

How do we get out?- The first step is to look at yourself honestly. My daddy used to tell me, wherever you are , there you are! and he also used to tell me and still does, “there are somethings you admit to the whole world, then there are those things which you only entrust to a select few, then there are those things which we would never tell a soul, then there are the things we cannot accept and admit to ourselves, and therein is where our sickness lies”. My daddy is a very wise man! Words of wisdom from those who have been here longer then I are always a better way to learn. So it begins with the one in the mirror. Louise Hay who is one of my personal heros, taught us that how we see ourselves directly reflects in ailments later on in the body. One of her techniques to loving yourself is looking in the mirror and telling yourself you love you and really mean it. NOT an easy thing at first. The other suggestion she makes is to do positive affirmations.

Home is where the heart is, and if we do not take care of ourselves then who will? -We are always striving to get home, what does this mean?- Home is love. Where we feel safe and at peace enough to let our hair down and be ourselves. So wherever you are there you are, home is wherever you are!

What steps to take when we are learning to love ourselves again??. -Do things that used to bring you joy as a child. Getting in touch with your inner child is critical in the healing process of becoming whole again. Coloring in coloring books is a great therapy for people who are learning to get in touch with themselves again. Blowing bubbles or flying a kite or going for an ice cream CONE instead of a bowl! These may seem like small things, but seeing life through the eyes of a child is a good first step to work towards.

DO YOU! Break the cycles of co dependence strive for self empowerment and INDEPENDENCE.~

Co dependence is a condition that plagues many here in the united states. It is one of the number one conditions in most relationships today. People who are trying to fill something outside of themselves get locked into these types of relationships on a regular basis. They take on many forms, addiction, abuse, isolation and much more. We get into the mode of not loving ourselves feeling like we deserve that on some level and so we stay put even when it’s detrimental to our well being. It drains the heart and the spirit. When we are around negative people of any kind they are stealing our energy and so we are left drained, if we do not put it back then we are leaving the door open for other more serious issues down the road. Apathy and accepting or settling for less is one of the common results. People get so focused on the other person that they forget they have their own life to live and a duty to themselves to stay healthy and happy. Therein is the rub. If we do not believe in ourselves this is a very difficult step. So how does one begin to break the cycle? Well as we have already mentioned loving yourself and believing you are lovable and deserving of love is part of it. For guys, the bigger issue is learning to love at all.

Most men are taught that love is a weakness and something that is not to be desired, love is about conquest not partnership, that being emotional or vulnerable is a bad thing. Understand the opposite sex and how they think becomes important to understand and know. Men go their caves to work out emotional stuff, women we have to talk about it with everyone around us. A very key difference that most women or men do not get even about themselves. So learning to communicate again in a better way is part of this process. When you get the urge to jump in and save someone because they are not behaving in a rational or appropriate manner, wanting to FIX them or the problem at hand, we have to learn to let them learn on their own. Allow them to go off and do what they do because that is who they are right now! Most of us get locked into what could be if only….. how many times have you heard that! Setting goals, there’s nothing wrong with that, and working toward them fine, but to live as if it’s going to happen over night, is an unreasonable standard. Learning to not expect things from people, is another key thing. When we expect people to behave or respond a certain way, we are trying to control the outcome. We usually will get just the opposite if that is where our thinking is. Thus setting ourselves up for disappointment. We then get into the victim/martyr syndrome and so the cycle begins of not loving ourselves enough to break it. So learning to communicate our boundries to people we love, which will often times result in a lash out from those closest to us. But will eventually turn itself around, this can take years in some instances.

Some ideas to take the first steps:

Take up a hobby in your spare time. Do reading, or writing, or running or charity work, something to occupy your own time. The more you keep your own world and interests, the less you will be thinking of the bad stuff or the other person, and when you do meet someone you enjoy, you will have something to share, to offer to help you both grow and keep the love lines flowing. Most relationships become stagnant because we come to a point where we feel we have given everything but what happened to me in the process, we lose ourselves in others definitions of what we should be, mom , dad, brother , sister, whipping post, scapegoat, doesnt matter which position it is, it’s still not US and who we are inside really. In giving too much of ourselves up this is a common result. So do you, what makes you happy, what brings you joy, without another person being involved, learning to enjoy your own company is key as well. All baby steps, do not push yourself too hard or you will feel overwhelmed and not want to continue the process voluntarily, I say this because once you start , there really is no turning back.

Make a list and check it twice. – Make a list of the perfect things ideally you would want in your mate. Then check yourself against that list. Are YOU all of those things? If your answer is NO, then you are not ready for a serious committed relationship. Because you are seeking those qualities outside yourself. Secondly- Check that list against the ones who have been in your life, how did they match up to the list. If they didn’t what qualities are you willing to work around or compromise on , can live with?  Then what qualities you cannot stand, ones you cannot compromise or live with. Do the same for friends, what is a friend to you? What does that look like. Are you a friend to others? (be totally honest). Putting the various relationships up on the board, look for patterns, you will see what the programming is that they feed. This is part of learning to be responsible for the things which happen in our lives. We often bring people to be the mirror to look at these very things. Most people just do not know where to start. So making a list is a great tangible way to look at yourself and your life and relationships honestly. People talk about writing a journal this could be part of that journey.

The greatest love affair you could ever have is one with yourself! – you have all you need within you to be a whole person. The question is are you willing to do the work it takes to achieve that especially if there are challenges, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of success. These are all challenges we come to the table with in our lives, overcoming them, having the understanding and knowing that you survived it, only feeds the fire to love yourself. Confidence is not exaggerated ego, the way some would see it or you. So love you!

It takes two whole people who compliment one another to make a lasting relationship. 1+1=2 NOT 1 like all the songs and propaganda would have you believe. Get back to basics. Fireproof the movie and book lay a great way to achieve this for couples who have been together awhile. We are NOT our story, or anyone else’s. We have the power to change ourselves, how we see things makes a big difference. Looking at ourselves is HARD work! But so worth the journey and the destination. How can you hope to find love if you do not know it exists within you always!

Respect, common courtesy communication- we get so lost in our corporate / survival mentalities we forget these very basic things in our relationships and interactions with people.You have to give without expectation of something in return. The laws of cause and effect, Law of Attraction, The Golden Rule, all tell you the natural result, but expectation will attract the Law of Opposites.

The art of courtship ….. People have forgotten to take the time to get to know each other before hopping into bed together and making babies. Take the time to get to know the person and watch them move through changes so you can more accurately compare that list you made. Allow that person to become a trusted friend before you talk about love. Yes you can have attraction , even soul recognition and perhaps this is a person who destined for you for a time, but if you base your relationships on that type of feeling , chances are you will not survive as a couple. So taking the time to get to know each other and compare your lists for a perfect mate see where they line up and where they do not, see if you can compromise in the areas which are not perfect, if there are too many negatives and not enough positives, if both people are not shoulder to shoulder walkin gin the same direction then you are setting yourself up for failure. (feeding old tapes you are not good enough) So learning to be friends and taking the time to allow that without the complication of hormones in sex, be celibate and learn to LIKE the other person. We can love someone to bits and not like them!and not be able to live with them. My daddy said to me, “If you can be friends for five years and endure all the changes people go through in that amount of time, you have a good shot at the marriage lasting!” I say friends first, last and always.

Can you commit to yourself, the way you commit to everyone else you love? – I challenge you the audience to do this, make a commitment to yourself to do something loving and good for yourself daily for thirty days. See what results you get from yourself, your thinking and the people around you.

I dare ya to! I double dog dare ya! Giggles!

Those were excerpts from my notes for the show on Wednesday on OUR WORLDS with Elizabeth Rose on Ztalkradio.com 5-7pm EST.

Here are a few YOUTUBES on the topic you might find helpful as well.

I liked her message to the younger generation didn’t you?

If you think that you have these issues, I recommend you research it, see many perspectives. Seek help. Co-Dependents Anonymous (CODA), Adult Children of Alcoholics, or a professional family counselor. There is no shame in exploring one’s self!

I do hope you found some interesting and useful information in this blog entry. Please send in questions on this topic to Illuminationsoflight@yahoo.com. We will be answering questions LIVE on Wed too! Numbers to call..

Until next time! Peace, Love and Joy! xoxo Kimberly


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