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Posts Tagged ‘soul journey’

Regrets, Questions, and Finding a Way Forward
By Nick Esten-E5 USNavy
I had one of those reflective days where I generally kept to myself and let my mind wander to places that I’ve struggled to forget. It’s pretty easy for me to get lost in my thoughts, because at any given time, my brain remembers, forgets, learns and processes all the little electric signals that produce these words on the screen…

I hear a lot of people claim they have no regrets and sometimes I know they’re lying or they haven’t reached that point yet, but everyone at some point will do or say something that will absolutely and irrevocably shift the course of the rest of their life.

“I wouldn’t be the person I am today if not for “insert excuse here””

Most people say this because it’s the accepted answer to the age old question “What do you regret?”

I think that answer’s a lie, because deep down, most people don’t really like themselves. They hide from themselves; they make excuses for themselves as to why this and why that, and they don’t really know what they are saying. They only know what is acceptable to say.

I know these people exist because I am one of those people. I could sit here and say that in my short 24 years in existence I haven’t done one thing that I regret, but everyone would know it to be flat out bulls**t. I’ve done unfair things to good people, and it cost me everything…the girl I loved, the future I had dreamed of…everything that makes a life colorful was taken because I chose poorly.

And I regret that it took me losing everything to learn one simple lesson; that another person had to suffer because I, for some reason, didn’t have the good sense or courage to stand up for what was right and what I believed in.

You know what I learned?

Integrity is everything. It’s the foundation on which my character is built, not some garment that I can take on and off at will. You give up your integrity, you don’t have anything after that, because everything you are is a pile of s**t.

A life is nothing more than a series of small events, strung together by the fabric of time and the happiest souls are not the ones who have the least worries; they’re the ones who remain flexible. Who, no matter what may come, use a stumbling block as a stepping stone. They’re the ones who move through life like water.

I want that. I had that. Once. I know I can have it again. I’m just lost. I have no real direction, no real goal, I’m just moving through these days without any sort of enthusiasm for much of anything except art. Stories. Poems. Music. Songs. Movies. Photography. These things that move the soul…

I let so many days go. So many days that could’ve been spent better, but I chose to waste them, and now that I can hear his footsteps a little clearer, those days now seem so much more precious. I only have one life, and I want to make it mean something. I want to leave this world a better place than the one I came into. And it’s hard because I see so much of the world going wrong, and I, having so very little control over my own world, don’t know what to do.

I go to work and I come back and I watch the cars go by on the freeway below. Or the ships that sit in port out in the harbor. I wonder why I can’t be more like the wind? To roll freely like I once did.

As you can tell, I spend a lot of time falling back into the past. It’s gone. The very best days of my life are gone and that’s a pretty sad thought…but the beautiful thing about it is that I have no idea what’s yet to come. So my best days may yet be ahead of me. Maybe not, but there is still air in my lungs and if God permits my soul to return each day, then I will find the meaning in my life once again.

In and of itself, life is too big a mystery to figure out in one lifetime. But then again, maybe I’ll get lucky and become one of those happy sages found in some hidden stretch of mountains. Maybe I’ll be old and bald with a bunch of grandchildren and a wife I adore…who knows. I don’t let myself think of such things because deep down, I don’t believe in them. But just because I don’t believe, doesn’t mean it can’t happen…because there are a lot of people who believe in me…and for me.

And I try so desperately not to disappoint.

What more can be said? What would I do for one more day? What would have happened if I had been the one to die that day instead of her? What would she have become? Would she be married? Would she have kids? What would she look like? Her face is just a blur to me now…

I won’t ever be able to answer those questions…survivor’s guilt is something that stays with you all the days of your life. When someone gives their life for yours, what do you do when your life has become such a disappointment?

I wish I knew the answer.

All I know for sure is that somewhere out in the unknown mists of time, there’s an end waiting for me. A lake to which this life of mine flows. And when I get there, I will have a smile on my face because I will know that I was loved, and that I made a difference in someone’s life. That is my motivation. Not to waste a sacrifice. I will find my way through the fog and dark and cold and whatever kind of misery this life can hurl at me. And I will be the light in the dark for people as I have been…for what is to give light, must endure burning.

From this day forward, I live my life for the people who make it worth living. The friends that make me smile, the love that makes me glow, and the series of small events that will make this life of mine a damn good read someday. When I’m gone…I want people to remember one thing and one thing only.

Love.

Because that is what I remember.

“What tomorrow brings, we cannot know”

From the mouths of babes….
This is my son. My first born. It’s nice to know when some of your own teachings begin to shine through. Especially yesterday when this was written, regrets, the things we do that we wish we could change. We are not our story. We can change right now. This moment as you are reading this blog. Life is too short to waste on things that are not real, not tangible, not worthy of our love and energy. If people do not want to drink after they have been given the trough full of water and instructions on how to drink, then there is nothing to be done. Walk away. Pray for them. Live YOUR life to the fullest in truth to yourself most of all. It’s those lies we will not admit to ourselves where our sickness lies. Those are the tapes so deep that you hear them in your sleep. The ones that creep out when you least expect them. The ones that cause us to self sabotage. The ones that make you forget that love is a two way street it takes cooperation on both sides to make it work. The ones that make us feel “less than” or “not enough” or “not worthy” or “bad” because we fail to live up to another’s expectations or our own.

I was faced recently with do I want LOVE or do I want a PARTNER … the man I love, still to this day, is in no way shape or form partner material for me at this time. He is unavailable on several levels, most of all emotional. Too afraid to explore changes outside his comfort levels inside and out. A lion in business, the cowardly lion inside, searching for his courage that was always there if he believed in himself enough to not care what others thought. A true warrior knows that love is his strength not a dark spot in his life. A partner works as a team, thinks as a team, lets nothing stand in the way of the goal of the team and never leaves a man or woman behind. One too can have a partner without love. Is that better? To live a life content but not fulfilling without love in it. Because it’s always been that way, because to go outside the “story” people have of you,  may make them or yourself look bad? Why would you care what the other person thinks really? Who are you trying to impress? Would it occur to that person that perhaps misery loves company? Would it occur to that person that to dictate, “you are the one we all look up to, you are the perfect example of what life should look like” just because you do things OUR WAY or a certain way, is a form of manipulation for control over your thinking and not about duty or respect? If passive aggressive behavior is the price you pay if you do not conform to the “idea” , “the plan”, “the way it should be”, all because you did what made you happy? That we are to surpass our parents thinking so as to evolve as a species? To be real with our kids and prepare them for the real world not some fantasy “Keeping up with the Jones” or sheltering them from the pains that real life bring and being the example of how to get around that and still be true to yourself?? To exist without love is not life. You are not living in my opinion if that is the case. Existence and survival are not living!  I decided that I wanted LOVE AND A PARTNER IN ONE! When I drew that boundry, I was met with anger, rejection, cruelty, everything that was not love. I knew this person had been lying to themselves and when I made that person look at it, they reacted with chaos and coldness and chose to walk away. To walk away from love, for convenience and the comfort of what is known, to be nothing more then a provider and a gopher,  a cog in a dilapidated wheel, which as all things mechanical wear out,  to be a shell of the person they could be, even though that life is toxic to their soul? They see a duty misplaced, loyalty not earned,  a truth…perceived… that is not truth to most people’s perceptions, but to them  it is.(Hitler thought he was RIGHT! Doing what GOD AND EVERYONE EXPECTED HIM TO DO AS THE “MAN” THE “LEADER” Yet, no one else saw it that way….. did that make it right to them or the people who suffered at all costs to keep his “vision” of what was right?  They had love in the palm of their hands, lying in their arms, two hearts beating as one and peace in the closeness, the truth of love, lights appearing with each and every kiss and comfort in their soul…..except when it came time to follow through on promises and dreams created, to put action and commitment to the vision,  to pay the piper, to walk the talk, to pay the debts one creates through words and actions. Then that person became angry, saw things as an attack, as an ultimatum, as fear. Pushing it away. Stomping on it. Belittling it. Not allowing it to exist within their own mind. What we resist will persist. And sometimes it’s too late.  All because they were too weak to say enough is enough. I choose love and happiness. Truth is subjective, if the truth is a perspective. What IS just IS. This person will assuredly regret his choice when they realize, they are totally alone. When the people they trusted to have the answers, when they didn’t want to look for themselves, prove to be wrong for them even though it worked for this person who gave this advice, or the people who they try to keep happy all the time being the golden child in their eyes die or get sick and do not remember those answers and are no longer there to give them that ego affirmation, when the duty and loyalty back fires in their face with betrayal, when the world they so desperately hold onto, fought for, to save it’s existence, the dream of what they wanted so desperately in the beginning when they truly settled for less then what they originally wanted,  exists no more because it was all just illusion, when their greatest fears come to pass and they lose the respect of those who matter most because they refused to take a chance and grow. When they too can gain the insight that my children and I have gained. Love is all there is … to live your life for the sake of how it looks or for someone else’s well being, is a lie to yourself. To lie to yourself is a sad sickness that can be changed at any moment, it’s never too late. Walk your talk and act with love and integrity, accept that life is not perfect and to deal with it the best you can as long as you have love around you. Interesting to think how the brain works…. Love, makes us fill in the blanks. Like when you read a sentence and the brain will put a missing word or correct spelling on a word which is misprinted, so we still understand the sentence even though that is not what it said,  we do the same in our relationships. We fill in the blanks of what’s missing or not quite right. We fix it to make it work for awhile. We create perfection or tolerance for those we “love” by sub consciously filling in the blanks, making excuses, living a lie, or lying to ourselves being in denial about what really is in that moment. Problem is then we get surprised when the whole thing falls apart and doesn’t work. We are not being truthful to ourselves, not seeing those missing words and it didn’t work, didn’t make sense, didn’t line up the right way! Well isn’t that a big surprise! Love always finds its way back to itself. True strength, requires the courage to look beyond the pain and the loss to the power of creation and manifestation. Overcoming those obstacles through love. Through love (Creator) all things are possible, surrendering control and attachments to outcomes. It is sad when love seemingly dies on any level, through your own actions or through circumstance and time. True love never dies, wanes perhaps, changes its depth or style, HOW we love can change but REAL love never dies. It is always my hope to find the gifts within each encounter in myself and to find the good in all those who’s paths I cross. I try to be a positive influence in the world around me always. To make a positive memory instead of a negative one. To not have regrets in my life, only to walk with integrity, to make lemonade when life hands me nothing but lemons, to have as kind a heart as I possibly can, to show my fellow man compassion and understanding and tolerance in the choices they make and try to recognize that I am worth loving, I have something to say, I have something to contribute to this world around me, I am perfect as I am now in all ways, I forgive myself for those things I cannot change, but do my best to learn from those mistakes and grow from them and to not make the same mistakes over and over again. The insanity lies there. I do not want to wallow in the dark caverns of sadness and hopelessness for years and years. As my friend Stanley says, “I would rather have a near life experience” Life includes ebbs and flows, and sometimes those tides can be extreme, but it is how we deal with it, honestly or in sketchy ways, which dictates our character. If you do not like what you see when you look there, then change it. Change yourself, how you look at things. Today, right now in this moment! You can begin by changing the words “can’t” and “trying” in your own vocabulary! Those are excuse words. You can do what you put your mind to if you want it bad enough. Trying is not doing! Put up or shut up as they say! Walk your talk or you are by definition a hypocrite. It only takes one step at a time. Baby steps, one step forward two steps back. We will always slide back to what is comfortable. What we know the outcome will be. It’s way harder to take those steps through the door of the unknown to what could be better or worse from our own perspectives. Release the fear. It could be BETTER! When a door closes a window opens, that which we lose or set free return if they are meant to be…usually better then before. The worst feeling in the world is “What if?” The not knowing because we didn’t try because we were afraid to know the answer when we had the chance to know it for sure. At least when we take a chance and we fail we are living. Truly there is no failure, just what works best for us. We are no one to judge what works and doesn’t for another person. That is a form of control, judgment. Surrender, Release, Forgive, Accept, Love. Live to never regret. Follow your heart, for love is all there is. The rest is a waste of time and a foundation of more regret. Do what you love, be who YOU are, not someones version of you. Find the courage to stand up for what you believe is best for you! Stick by it. Know what you want, and do not act from fear, entrapment, manipulation, depression, hopelessness. Coming from a place of emotion instead of knowing can only bring lower vibrational lessons with them. Some of the most painful kind. Try to see the good in people even those who have done atrocious things to you, you will cut down your suffering and sadness. Turn that frown upside down and laugh. Find something to make yourself laugh. Laughter is the best medicine for a broken or wounded heart. It reminds you that you are still alive. As long as you are, all moments pass to memory and as extreme as they are the next moment could hold the difference. My friend always says to me, “Do not give up five minutes before the miracle!” hold on until the next moment comes. Look to the past and learn from it so you can know the future and what to do with it. See how you want it to change and begin with your own thinking. Be the pebble in the pond and start a ripple of love to change negative vibrations around your environment, this will spill over like the ripples in the pond.
Do not throw pearls before swine. Do not give your love to those who do not return it, cherish it and respect it. For to stay in imbalanced states can only lead to one end, a return to balance by any means necessary. That can be destructive and painful if we resist. I personally prefer to ride the waves not get totally crushed by them. Like waves, they can catch us off guard, have rip tides and under currents which pull us down and we lose our breath for a brief moment, but we swim and pull ourselves up to breath again and see the sunshine on the water and see the beauty of all that is around. The ocean like love can be nurturing or destructive depending on the influences around it. Never mess with Mother Nature! She’s got a mighty sword herself!
Life is good. Love is life. Do not throw it away when you have it. Honor it. Cherish it. For tomorrow it may not be the same.
Blessings everyone! Make it a great day! Love and Light, Kimberly.

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